I just watched a video on Youtube, uploaded by someone I hope to consider a friend in the future. It was a music video that he’d made. No, it wasn’t my kind of music at all, but I can appreciate a good artist when I hear or see one.
He’s really, really good. Honestly.
I watched three videos, but the two that got to me were Numb and Radio. The lyrics are amazing, and he expresses his emotions through those songs really well, like I (try to) do here on the blog. What I got from that was frustration, confusion, loneliness, anger and dislike for himself.
This is basically my answer to those songs.
Just the start of Numb was enough to bring tears to my eyes… And Radio left me speechless.
I understand how you feel. I really do. If you take a look at the rest of the blog, you’ll see that.
When you feel like you don’t know what to do with yourself, that you just want to leave, that it’s too much, or that there isn’t enough, think about what you want to do in the world. From what I gather, you, like myself, want to make a difference somehow. When you don’t know what to do, put your focus and energy into making a difference. Distract yourself with it.
That feeling that the world isn’t enough, yet it’s too much, too real, is horrible. It feels like you’re being torn apart, and you just want to scream and run away from it. It’s lonely, because you don’t know who to turn to, you don’t know who you can trust to help you, to give your life a true meaning, and take the pressure off your shoulders from everything else.
It’s true that I don’t know you very well, but I want to help. I’m not the only one that wants to help either. Do you know what the first thing I noticed about you was? A photo you’d uploaded. The dark one, with the moon and the words “All I want is someone who won’t leave…” written on it. That photo and the fact that you’d uploaded it, was what made me decide to help my friend talk to you. She really wants to be able to talk to you, but she’s shy and we didn’t know how you’d react. I sent you a message in hopes that we could become friends someday. It’s only today that I’ve really listened to your music, but it’s really good, and nothing’s wrong with you. Maybe you are in your own Hell, I don’t know. I don’t know how to help you if you are, except for be there if you ever want to talk to my friend or myself.
We’ve all felt the way you feel at some point. I know it doesn’t take the pain or loneliness away, but we got through it and might be able to help you.
‘Would it be a problem if I left my body right, right now?’ to be honest with you, yes it would be. We’d miss you!
“Can anyone hear me when I scream?”
We can hear you even when you whisper. You’re an amazing artist, and whatever’s happened to you… you can’t let it take over completely. You’ll get through it, I promise.
I know you can’t make lemonade out of it, so just squeeze the hell out of those lemons. No more, no less.
“Nothing to say, ’cause no one understands me.”
Maybe we don’t understand you, and maybe we never will, but we understand certain situations and the feelings that come with those situations. No one can understand a person completely, and all the fun would go out of the friendship/relationship/etc.
Human beings in general want to get to know each other, and to do that, they have to not understand each other. What’s the fun of getting to know someone you already understand?
I lose myself in music on bad days too, and my friend does too. Keep letting go of everything when you listen to music, it’s good for you!
Well, my lovely readers, this is probably pointless to you if you haven’t listened to the songs, so here are the links to the songs. I hope you see the emotion in them like I do, and I hope you support him!
This is the end of this post… it feels like something is missing, I know. It’s the emotion that I express for the person that I’m writing about. I know near to nothing about this person, all I have from his emotions are what you get in those songs and some photos. If I ever get to know him better and he lets me express some of his emotions on here, I’ll edit this post to do so.
Take care of yourselves and remember that we’re here to help! You can contact us at firstname.lastname@example.org
This is a song, by Shinedown. It’s about a dead man and people’s opinion of him, etc. It’s about hypocrites.
It’s quite sad, because it’s true that people do that… but there are people that knew those people that have bad stuff said about them even after death, and those people knew the dead people better than anyone else.
I think that there are a few people in past posts that have had that happen to them, which is why I wanted to post this song.
I don’t want to beg anyone to stop saying bad stuff about the dead people… but I will if I have to.
Happy New Year to you all, and I hope this year is better than last year.
Take care and see you soon!
sorry, couldn’t hold it back, just tickles when you say it
I know I’m not on here unless I really find someting but this time I’m turningmyself to all the people out there. I Jethro posted a while ago this link on VF and Ihaven’t got around to post it so I’m about to do that now;
This is an article from the online “Modern Woman Digest” site where someoneasked if she was too old for the goth clubs in because she was in her mid 30’s.Link: Goth clubs after 30 – sign of a loser?
A good and important question, but with a most awful reply by the professionalreporter Jane M Agni. I don’t know if to cry out of laughter or desperation of the level of her reply. I’m just happy that all the comments further down the page are all against Jane, showing her that you can be alternative and be proud about it.
Stay strong, stay awesome and don’t be afraid to be who you are.Lastly, Oh My Goth this year went by quick, so much happened.
Happy friday 13th!
P.S. Considering on doing a facelift on this page and make a facebook page to spread the word and connect people.
P.P.S The Dove of Stone is currently shut down and you need my permission to go there, that as a result of a person from the municipality office tries to track me down and they’re far off. The blog will be up again when it’s safe. Until then, message me to get the permission.
‘Ello chumlets and chumlettes!
It’s nearly Chrimboli(known to most people as Christmas), and it’s nearly a year since I posted New Year’s.
I have had so many ups and downs this year. No, it didn’t go exactly like I wanted, but we don’t live in a perfect world, so what can I do about it? I take life as it is and I enjoy it.
Sometimes it’s not enjoyable, and I’ve been very stressed, and I’ve cried and been angry, and wanted to strangle a person or two this past year(you know who you are), but I’ve gotten through it. I’m now finishing my exam week before the holidays, and I have a thing or two to look forward to before I go on holiday.
Not everyone does, and I would like to wish you a lovely Chrimbo and New Year.
All those sayings about life(i.e: if life throws you lemons, make lemonade) sometimes seem like a load of BS, because it’s not that easy… everything is easier said than done. Absolutely everything.
Nothing is easy, everything is harder than we expect, and nothing goes the way we want or expect it to go. My year didn’t go as I wanted it to go, and I’ve lost a lot of people that I love a lot, and I miss them. Some things have fallen to pieces around me, and I couldn’t catch them on time to stop them from shattering; other things I’ve dropped myself and broken. I’ve glued some things back together; others I’ve swept under the carpet and tried(unsuccessfully) to forget; some things I put back together but lost some pieces; some things I started putting back together but realised that it’s pointless.
I’ve lost a couple of friends, I’ve lost some family, I’ve gained a few friends and I’ll be getting a new family member soon…
None of it compares to what some of you go through. Either because you have no family, or your family situation isn’t good, or you have no friends, you have things that prevent you from socialising… or many other different things. Some of you might have to take care of your parents, or someone is getting all the attention for some reason so you’re ignored… It makes me so angry that a lot of you don’t have a nice Christmas because of that. It really does. I just want to go to your house, pick you up, take you with me and show you how Christmas can be. How it can be fun for everyone, no matter their sex, age, size, health or situation. Everyone deserves a good Chrimbo, and life is bitchy enough to not give that to some people. I hope you will get it some day, and I hope that you can let go of some of the bad things that have happened this year.
I hope that, despite everything, you have a nice Chrimboli… and I hope you’ll remember that you’re never alone… We’re here. (And yes, we’re really people!)
In my dreams and in my thoughts, I have each and every one of you with me at Christmas, making you have a good time and showing what Christmas can be.
Take care of yourselves, there’s someone out there that will fall in love with you for you, even if no one else does.
MWAH! Merry Chrimboli and Happy New Year everyone!
Today, 25th November 2013, is the International Day for the Elimination of Violence Against Women.
If you’ve read Meiskie’s Story, you’ll know that this day is very important to me because I have been in that situation.
Abuse isn’t only physical. It’s also psychological.
More women suffer from psychological abuse than physical abuse, and one is just as bad as the other. I know that it’s also reversed, that men receive abuse, Chris is the perfect example of that, but this day is dedicated to the women, because it’s much more common.
So, I was one of these women once. Actually, I was only just a teenager. However, I know of more cases of abuse, that are much worse than my own.
The rate of deaths of the female population by abuse is actually higher than that of car crashes or other accidents. That says a lot.
People get educated about this more and more every year, and women are becoming more and more powerful in society… and yet, those rates are going through the roof.
And then there are the children of the women, and sometimes men, living in these situations. Those children are scarred for life, and a lot of the time end up being abusers themselves.
I was a victim of mental and emotional abuse from one person, and a victim of mental, emotional and (sometimes) physical abuse at school. I was 12-13 then, and now, around 3-4 years later, I’m out of both of those situations, but they still affect me a lot. Imagine me, a person that hasn’t been through anything compared to some, being affected by what has happened… Now, imagine a person that can’t get out, that can’t speak up, that can’t defend herself, and is in a much worse situation than what I was in. I could cut myself off, but what if you’re married to your abuser, or your abuser is your boyfriend? You can’t get away so easily, and it’s pure Hell. Imagine how scarred some of these women are, mentally and physically. Some women end up having anxiety and/or panic attacks, being scared to go out and their lives are ruined. It’s only with a lot of help, patience and love that they can go back to being even a quater of how they were before the abuse.
Have a minute of silence for these women, and in memory of the ones that have died at the hands of their abusers…
Anyone that wants to talk to us, about anything, can contact us at email@example.com
We’re here to help.
I’m back again!
Some people aren’t as fortunate as I am, they don’t receive the help I did… a perfect example of that is Amanda Todd. Not everyone gets help, professional or from friends, like I did… In the time that I had no one, I remember how lonely I was. I remember how much I wanted a friend, someone I could trust… I want to give people that. I’ve had my trust broken so many times, and I know how much that hurts. I try to be the best friend I can to all my friends, because it’s my turn to give them something for helping me. I hope that they trust me, and I know that I won’t ever purposefully break that trust.
I was recently told by a friend, Teddy, that he trusts me more than the people he’s known longer that he’s known me… I try to be as open as I can, I don’t judge anyone without having a really damn good reason too, and I listen to anyone. I wouldn’t hate, dislike or tease anyone for anything they’ve done until I’ve heard the full story, and both sides of the story. Who am I to judge? I’ve done a lot of shit in the past, I’ve said a lot of mean things to people(though it was 99% of the time to my bullies) and I haven’t always been the nicest of people. No one can judge ANYTHING without knowing the full story.
First off, I wanted to thank my friends for helping me. Teddy, Z, Lexi, SoulSister, Chris and Maria.
Then, I want to thank those people that, despite only being in my life at a distance, have become important to me. Sir Green Hair, Wolfie and Holly Tree… And my teachers.
And then the people I’ve never even met… book characters(Teddy will probably pretend to vomit when he reads this. He hates reading), Doctor Who, fairy tale characters and my own book characters.
Last of all… my family. Mama for being so overprotective that you seem paranoid, Papa for taking me to places Mama wouldn’t take me and for letting me go on the back on your bike; my brother for all the San Andreas, Kingdom Hearts and Doctor Who… and for staying strong every single day in that horrible hospital.
Now on to the title of the post… what does everything I said above got to do with the title?
Well, I’m currently a complete wreck, to put it simply. I go from being happy, to sad, to hyperactive really easily. Why? No idea, I just do. All the people above have been helping me with this, calming me down and giving me their time, to try and make me focus on one thing at a time like I used to. They’ve helped me a lot. I honestly don’t know what I would do without them.
Am I trying to rub it in your faces that I have a lot of people to help me? Of course NOT! I want to show you that no matter how insignificant a person may seem, simply because you’re not close, they can help you a lot. And I would be in the group of ‘life at a distance’ to all of you… I want to help you, even though I don’t know you, I haven’t been to school with you and I have no idea what you look like. I just want everyone to receive the same help as I did, even if I’m the only one trying to help you.
MY emotions have been up and down, I can imagine how bad it is for some of you… times are tough for a lot of people now, for whatever reason, and I want to take some of the weight off your shoulders.
I probably sound like I’m jumping from one thing to another, but I’m just trying to get my point across.
I know I can’t save everyone on the planet, but I damn well can try… I also got asked this summer how I would deal with patients passing away when I become a psychologist. Honestly? I will be upset, just as any person would be, but some people are too far gone to be helped. I just hope that I can help ease their pain for a little while and take some of the weight off their shoulders before they go. I’ll do the best I can, and no less. I won’t always succeed, but I will never give up. I will help people that have been hurt the way I have, I will help people that can’t find a reason for anything, I will help people that need help.
Life is a rollercoaster… some people hate it, others love it… Thing is, once you’ve been on it once, you’re disappointed when it’s finished. You want to get on the ride all over again, and go through that terror again. Some people give life a second, third or fourth try, because life is how it is, and we can’t give up… other people only give life one chance. I can’t do anything to change that, but I can tell you that in my moments of complete clarity and happiness, I see how beautiful life is and I know it will be better. Just got a few loopings to get through first.
Well, I finally got another story. I’ve known this story for a long time, because it’s one of my friends that this has happened to. I was thinking long and hard about whether to publish this. In the end, I decided I would. Obviously, if not I wouldn’t be writing this. The name of my friend has been changed.
On to the story:
It was around three years ago. He’s my best friend and he’s very happy nowadays.
Chris went out with a boy called Derek. Derek was sweet and kind, the perfect boyfriend. He was tall, he had snake-bites, which Chris has always loved, he had beautiful dark eyes and he was 18. Chris was completely in love with him. Even I liked him, and I’m a hard person to please at times.
However, Derek started to become possessive. Possessive to the point of always wanting to know what Chris was doing at all times and constantly calling him. Once, Derek took Chris out in his car. They were going to go shopping together. However, Derek didn’t let Chris out of the car. Derek locked Chris in the car and went shopping on his own. Chris was lucky that Derek had parked in the shade and wasn’t gone for that long, if not he would have died of the heat or he would have suffocated. When Derek got back, he pretended nothing was wrong and kissed Chris. Chris just went along with it, because he knew that as soon as he complained, he’d get into real trouble and Derek would go crazy. So, he let Derek kiss him and drive him home. Once Derek dropped him off, he locked himself in his room, broke his phone and deleted all his social network accounts. He also started cutting, really badly. He still has very visible scars on his wrists. Apparently, Derek had also called him all kinds of names and degraded him as much as Joey degraded me.
Anyway, Chris’ sister found out about what Derek had become like and she called the police.
Chris got a restraint order against Derek, and Derek eventually gave up and left.
He didn’t stop cutting until last year, with lots and lots of help, and he is a very likeable, happy person.
I know possessive boyfriends are very common, and to the extent of what Derek did too. I’ve been in a relationship like that, and I know there are people that have boyfriends and girlfriends like that. The brother of a friend recently broke up with his girlfriend because she never let him go out, never let him see his friends and was really mean to him.
‘Chris’ recovered, but it wasn’t easy. It’s never easy, but he did it. You all can too. Anyone that has been in that situation can eventually, no matter how long it takes.
See you, take care of yourselves and remember… we’re always here to talk!
I remembered a story I heard this summer. It was really sad, and nearly made me cry. And it also made me think. A lot.
A friend of a friend turned 40 this summer. Her boyfriend told her he’d plan her party and all she had to do was show up and enjoy the party. So, she agreed and two weeks later it was her party. Everyone she knew was there, and her boyfriend told her to meet him upstairs in their bedroom in fifteen minutes. She agreed to that too. She thought he would maybe propose to her, as they’d been together for years… Exactly 15 minutes later, she went upstairs.
She found her boyfriend in their room. Hanging from the ceiling with a noose around his neck. He’d commited suicide on his girlfriend’s 40th birthday.
No one knew he was even the slightest bit depressed, or that he would ever do that to himself. His girlfriend didn’t even know he was unhappy. She thought they were completely happy together and he was fine. And then he decided to give her a birthday present she’d never forget.
You might think ‘selfish bastard’ or ‘How could he do that?’. Before you think that and get a fixed opinion, see it from his point of view. Maybe he didn’t know how to talk about it, maybe he hung himself hoping that his girlfriend would get impatient and go up after 10, 11 or 12 minutes and find him, before it was too late; maybe it was a cry for help.
He hadn’t left a suicide note. That’s what makes it nearly 100% sure that it was a cry for help. He had hoped, and had been just about completely sure, that his girlfriend would get impatient and find him, that he would be saved, that he would survive and finally get the help he needed. He felt alone. He didn’t know what to do. He probably felt like he was slowly being ripped into pieces. He was in agony, inside his head. He didn’t know how to express it, he wanted to live, he wanted to be found… but he didn’t realise that his girlfriend would actually be patient. He never wanted to die, he didn’t leave a note, he didn’t leave anything at all that said why he did it, he just trusted that his girlfriend would come upstairs to their room a couple of minutes early.
Please, don’t ever go to that extreme. There is always someone you can talk to about whatever is going on in your head, in your life. Don’t let anyone else be torn apart by a suicide that wasn’t meant to completely happen.
May you rest in peace, and find freedom in yourself… I hope you aren’t in any pain anymore.
You will be remembered forever in your girlfriend’s heart, and in your friends.
Take care of yourselves, remember that you can contact any one of us via firstname.lastname@example.org!
See you in the next post…
Hello again. I’m sorry I haven’t posted in such a long time!
After my last post, a family member passed away, and another two got diagnosed with cancer, so I was worrying about them… And some other family things. And then school started. Week three I had a breakdown at school… I think it was part panic-attack and part frustration. I’m not sure if I’ve mentioned this, but I have some back problems that cause me a lot of pain sometimes and stop me from running. And the frustration of not being able to join in with P.E made me really upset, along with the backpains… well… it didn’t go well.
The school psychologist heard, and gave me a book. That’s where the name of this post comes from. The author of the book is called Adam J. Jackson. The book is called 10 Scecrets of Abundant Happiness.
At first I thought it would be boring and useless, but after the first couple of chapters I started to really like it.
The book is ten chapters, and every chapter tells a story about the Secrets.
To be honest, doing all the things to be happy would take up literally all of my time, so I wouldn’t have any free time to do homework or anything, so I can’t do them all, but it did help me realise the things I do wrong in my life that I can get rid of easily.
Also, buy the occasional prezzie for anyone you care about. You may not receive anything in return, but giving someone something and seeing them smile makes you feel good about yourself.
I recommend the book to anyone who feels sad, alone, worthless, useless, depressed, etc. It will help, even if it’s just in a little, tiny way.
Take care of yourselves my lovelies, I will try to post again soon!!!
Hello my friendly readers!
Sorry that I haven’t posted anything in a loooooooooong time! And apparently Z and SoulSister haven’t posted either… Hmm… I’ll talk to them about that.
Anyway. The point of this is to apologise. I am so so so so so sorry I haven’t posted anything! I hope you’re all okay!
This is a useless post, but just to let you know that I’m trying my best to find a person’s story… It would be nice if you helped me by sending links, your own story(no matter how insignificant) or the story of someone you know! I’ll keep searching. Please help me somehow! Even if it’s just a name!
I hope you are all taking care of yourselves… Contact any three of us for anything, useless, useful, important or unimportant.
See you in the next post, hopefully it will be a story!