Hello dear chums and chumettes!
Happy New Year to you all, and I hope this year goes well for you!
So, you might have guessed that this post is going to be about New Year’s Eve and New Year’s Day.
I’m not going to ramble on about why we celebrate that and everything, but how you could feel on these two days…
In Holland (The Netherlands), it’s a tradition to light the sky up at exactly 12 AM, 00:00, with fireworks(GMT+1). This year, people have spent over 70 million euros on fireworks for this occassion. Barbaric. I know. But, that works to some people’s advantage, like my family.
All of our surrounding neighbours bought fireworks, we bought nothing. They set off fireworks and we got a free fireworks display. So, it’s a win-win for us. Don’t pay a cent for a fireworks display.
Anyway, back to the point of this post: When the clock hit 12, I got really giddy. All you could hear were the fireworks, the sky was lit up with the fireworks, and family members were wishing each other a happy new year. I felt like this year would be a great year, and very eventful. I felt like a new person, like I had been reborn. I could leave the horrors of the past year behind me and start over again. I was jumping up and down, I was laughing and I had tears in my eyes.
I’ve never felt this way before on New Year’s, it was the first time. And I think I know why. Since halfway through 2011, my life has been turned upside down because of that man I met on the internet(read Meiskie’s Story). On New Year’s of 2011/12, I was still in contact with him, and he was already abusing me subtly. I thought I was happy then, but I was just trying to make myself believe that I was happy. I stopped talking to him soon after that, probably around February of 2012, if I remember correctly(I don’t really want to remember, but whatever), and I was really, really depressed.
By this point, he was not even trying to hide his abusive side. I had even more shit going on in my life then, to do with my family, my school life, my social life. I thought that I needed him to make me happy, so I got in contact with him again after about a month. I became even more depressed because of it, so I cut him off again.
On April 18th of 2012, I met Zaracaz. I sent him a message, because I happened to be going through a list of people online and I was bored. I saw his profile picture, a Dove of Stone… his blog is named after it, as you might have noticed if you’ve read it. For some reason, the profile picture interested me and I read his profile. I don’t know what it was about what he’d written there that made me think “Yep, time to send him a message.”
Maybe it was because he didn’t have many friends on VF (http://www.vampirefreaks.com/), maybe because he made his account a day before, maybe because he wrote that he’s Swedish and a pianist, I don’t know. Anyway, I sent him a message and he replied soon after. We became friends, and it was close to the end of the school year, so I was relatively happy. I had good grades, I had finally found someone I could call a true friend (and best friend) at school, Al.
Al was nice to me, he was weird, he was crazy and he always stood up for me when he heard people saying shit about me. If I remember correctly, he got into 3 fights from April to June, and many more before that(but not all related to the bullying I receive. He has a temper, and I’ve been helping him control it since we became friends.), I spoke to Z and Britt everyday, unless one of us was out or unavailable. Z saw the happier side of me, and I didn’t trust him enough yet to tell him the details about my past, or my sadness. It was about a month after I met Zaracaz that my mother found out about me talking to people on the internet, and I got into a massive argument with my family about it.
In the end, I was still allowed to talk to Z, but I had limited times in which I was allowed on the computer. Those times have been upped since then, and I’m not on the computer all the time when I do have those times. Anyway, I was very depressed about that, and I hated to see the hurt and disappointment in my family’s eyes everyday.
I was very close to cutting, and I remember that I spoke to Z about it… I’ll tell you about that. I got a paper cut on my thumb one day, completely by accident. I didn’t do anything about it, it was just another paper cut. A few days after that, the cut was gone and I was having a bad day. I’d always had decorative pocket knives and daggers in my room so I got one of them and cut my thumb again.
When my parents noticed the cut on my thumb again, they asked why it hadn’t healed yet. I shrugged and said that I cut my thumb again at school. I told Z about this and he made me promise to not hurt myself in that way again, and I’ve stuck to it. For many reasons, these among them:
1. He worries about me.
2. I don’t do as people say a lot of the time, but I respect him a lot and I did back then too, despite not knowing him as well as now, so I listened.
3. I care about his opinion, what he thinks of me. I know that cutting my thumb wasn’t much, but if he hadn’t been there, it would have gotten much worse. Way, way worse.
Anyway, time flew and suddenly I was on a plane to Holland, to my family. I saw SoulSister as soon as I could, and we cried when we saw each other. We always miss each other when I’m gone, and it’s horrible. I saw my family a few times a week(cousins and aunts and uncles), and I was insanely happy with them around.
Zaracaz said a few times(okay, more than a few) that I was glowing, and he gave me the nickname “little miss sunshine” because of it. I had to leave my cat in Spain, because he’s a mountain cat and doesn’t like travelling, and when the end of August and beginning of September rolled round, I was crying myself to sleep because I was worried that he wouldn’t be alive when I got home.
I was also getting more depressed because of school starting again. September 17th, I went back to school. Puma, my cat, was still alive and healthy, so was Lady, my brother’s cat. I was happy to be back in Spain, to have my own bedroom back, to have Puma with me and be able to see Al, but school just put a massive rain cloud over everything I did.
I was being bullied on the school bus, I was stressing about my homework and exams and Zaracaz saw more and more of me. He saw that I smile and laugh to make people happy, that I say I’m fine so that they won’t worry, he saw the damage that had been done to me on the inside by the abusive prick. And he saw through me, through my lies. He always seemed to know when something was wrong, even if I didn’t say anything.
When I finally got Chrimboli holidays, I was happier, but not glowing like in the summer. I’m not crying myself to sleep though, so it’s progress. Anyway, last night, I knew that I could finally leave the past two years behind me, that I was finally free of that.
And it felt sooooo good.
I know I’ll still have it haunt me sometimes, I know I can’t get over some of my fears, I know that I flinch everytime I see a hand raised out of the corner of my eye and I think it’ll hit me, I know that I still hate having my hair touched, I know I still don’t like anyone near my neck, I know I still hide in corners, I know I still have days where I have low thoughts about myself, I know the bullying isn’t going to stop, but I also know that I can trust Al, SoulSister and Z.
I can let Al punch me or twat me round the head(slap the back of my head) when I’m being stupid, I can let him hit my leg under the desk at school when we’re bored, I can stand in front of him and calm him down when he’s about to get into a fight with someone without being afraid, because I know that I’m his sister in every way except one(blood) and he would never hit a woman for any reason, other than play fight. And, to him, I’m not a woman or a girl, I’m his sister, so I don’t count. And I agree with him.
I can have a laugh with SoulSister, I can trust her with my life, I can understand her, I can feel safe when she’s around and I don’t ever feel like hiding in a corner. I’m outgoing, I’m crazy, I’m funny, I’m happy when I’m around her. We understand each other perfectly.
I can let Zaracaz do whatever he wants to me, because I know he’s not the abusive prick, and because I know that I can trust him. I feel safe when Z is around, I feel happy, I feel free and I feel very, very accepted. Z can make me see things that I wouldn’t have noticed on my own, he can make me blush, he can make me relax with his touches, instead of making me tense up. He respects me for my past, he’s said a few times, and he knows every last detail…
These three people make me strong… They make me happy.
And 2013 makes me happy. I’m not who I used to be, someone that is what people want her to be. I’m the real me. And I can say “fuck you” to everyone who doesn’t like it if I want to… I’ve basically told you about my year, about the people I care about most. When the clock hit 12, I let everything go. I let the bad things from my past go. They’re still memories, but they don’t rule my mind.
I hope you have all had the chance to do that. If you haven’t, I hope you do sometime soon. Because whatever shit you’ve been through doesn’t have to rule your life, and you deserve to be happy… That’s what society doesn’t understand about the Outcasts. We also have feelings, we also deserve to be happy. And we will be. I promise. Maybe not this generation, but at some point, the Outcasts will be accepted. That’s when we can say that the planet is full of “equality” and “acceptance”. Take care of yourself this year and don’t let the bitches(I’m talking about anyone that is unaccepting, not only women) bring you down. Because we have our shields to hide behind when we need or want them, and they won’t leave.
However… There are also people that have the worst time of their lives around Chrimboli and New Year’s. Because they have no one, because they’re alone, because of memories… or for a million other reasons. I don’t know exactly what that feels like, but I have an idea… I know it’s lonely, I know it hurts, I know you feel like giving up… I know so well, and I cry for you.
Because no one should feel that much pain, no matter what time of the year it is. The highest number of suicides are on Christmas and New Year’s. And it has to stop. You are strong. You are beautiful. So don’t let the bastards get you down. Because we’ve survived through Hell on Earth, and we can survive through these days. You may or may not have someone around to help you, but either way, you are stronger than the bastards and bitches.
Reading this obviously means that you’ve survived until now, so why stop fighting? Why not be heard? Why let them win? And… Why only survive? Why not live? Make yourself feel alive!
I’ve been told by a Birdie that I make him feel alive… There’s someone out there for you that will make you feel alive. Do you know what makes me feel alive? That Birdie, reading and BVB interviews. So find your thing. Live, don’t survive… “Don’t ya know you’re everything I have? And I wanna live… not just survive tonight.” – The Cab, ‘Angel With A Shotgun’.
New Year’s and Christmas can be very lonely, but know that you’re not alone. No matter how unimportant it seems, there’s always something. A stuffed toy, a spoon(I had a thing for spoons when I was a child…), a person, a pet, a film, a book, a hobby, a song… There is always something to live for. Something that makes you feel alive. And Our Voice is always here for you. No matter what you’ve said or done, we’re here for you all the time.
I’m going to tell you a fact, despite how much of a lie it sounds like… Everything will get better. Not today, not tomorrow, but at some point. Just stay strong, hold your head high and take care of yourself. For you, for us and for whatever it is that you care about most.
As usual, you can contact us for any reason at all at:
Happy New Year!